Devotion above Discipline. Play over Purpose: How I’m slowly reshaping the way I approach my life.

Everyday the world tries to give me its busyness, its commitments and should do’s. I grew up out of the yummy soil of validation and success. That is no one’s fault, it is just the world I was planted in. I like being good, whatever that means, and I like being recognized for it - who doesn’t? But somewhere along the way, I graduated from grades and clear cut bench marks of how good I was, and I plopped out into the real world with still more, albeit different and vaguer, expectations of success. So I got a job, and a good one, where I made good money and was told I was good. And that’s good! But you realize this need for success and validation transcends school or career or purpose, and rather is rooted in identity and self-acceptance.

The unforgettable shift occurred sometime in college, when I went snowboarding with a group of friends. I remembered it was hard to be bad at things and easier to stick to what you’re good at. I fell down so many times my ass ached until I finally had a mid-mountain meltdown. Luckily, in the middle of me crying some guy flying overhead on the chairlift called me hot, and so, a tale as old as time, I persevered. That (not the being called a “hot snow bunny”) was a really pivotal moment for me: when I got up and continued to do the thing that was hard for the rest of the day. I was proud of myself for doing something that made me uncomfortable, something I was bad at. I still hate being bad at things and the accompanying feelings of embarrassment and shame and ego. But something changed that day in the snow when I realized I was proud of myself even though I wasn’t good. Things do not have to be  good to be worthy. This is an affirmation I try to remind myself of daily. 

Somewhere along the way I kept trying new things and allowed myself to be a master of NONE of them. I repeat: none of them. This has been many years in the making, and I think will require a lifetime more, but here is how I am trying to be who I want and live how I want, rather than how I should. This is how I am living more femininely, more softly. This concept started when my identity as an athlete evaporated overnight. One day you’ve been a competitive athlete for the better part of a decade and then you are not. I could run a marathon or a half of one like every other 20-something year old, but where do you draw the line? What’s authentic and what is just a should you thought you ought to do? All I know is everyone that considers “runner” or “athlete” to be a part of their identity, probably felt a push to prove they are in fact those things. So what better way than to do a race, something to show the world a medal and say “See! I want you to see me as someone who does this! This is my identity!” At the end of the day we all just want to be seen, and ultimately, I’m probably just jealous. Nowadays, I feel my identity is diluted - a jack of all trades but a master of none. I haven’t found one thing to fully submerge into, but is that a bad thing? 

Devotion over discipline got me out of bed and onto my mat this morning, because it wasn’t about being hard on myself, or punishing myself, or making yoga my identity. It was devotion to my body for all it does for me. Devotion to my practice and the goals I have on the mat. It was devotion to mindfulness. Devotion to not only who I was when I woke up, but who I want to be in the future. Devotion to me implies nurture and softness. It says listen to your body, don’t push past your capacity, which is ever-evolving. Play over purpose is my second tenant. If I can prioritize play, without needing to be good, or to reach a goal, or to have an end product, then I stop holding myself back. I can grow. This is more in relation to my art as I am an artist; another affirmation I have to force myself to say through disbelief. I am an artist of nothing but my life. If I can play in that, then it is ok that I am not a good artist. What I create does not have to be good to be worthy. I can play and make ugly things and beautiful things and try something new every single time. I am not a writer, or a photographer, or a ceramicist. I am a master of no art form, but a creator of any I find interest in, even if only for the day.

So Devotion and Play are the ways in which I try to structure my needs and goals now. I am learning to be soft with myself for the first time in a lifetime built of discipline and purpose. I want to make it extremely clear that those are both noble pursuits, just ones I have found no longer fit me. Maybe they will again, but for now I am melting into my life and being, rather than forcing anything into existence.